Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Found the puke drawer
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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