I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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