i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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