paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
