I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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