My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
