Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
