I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
