Jerry, you need to find god
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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