Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
