I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just had sex bonerless
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i came on her dog
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
