he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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