I can't breathe out the right side of my face
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
