I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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