what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
