Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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