We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
