I love having hate sex.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
