Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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