Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
