So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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