I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
