I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
