The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
