Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
