Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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