So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
