i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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