I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
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