Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
