So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
