Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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