Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
