my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
