This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
