Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
