News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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