Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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