I'm lost and stupid without you.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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