My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
