I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
