Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
