how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
