I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
