I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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