She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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