We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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