I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
