my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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