so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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