Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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