The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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