I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
