"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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