Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
