I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
